I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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