Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
