so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
