a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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