$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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