I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
