I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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