Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I met the friendliest cop last night
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
