So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
