he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
