My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize