How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
