I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
