i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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