Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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