Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
