i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
