have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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