That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
