She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
