grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
