By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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