Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
