guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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