i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
