I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
