Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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