So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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