I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
