Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
