I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my shit smells like andre
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
