How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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