I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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