Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
