Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
