FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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