Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
