im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
