i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
