someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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