I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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