I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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