I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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