so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
