After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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