i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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