I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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