but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
