I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
