Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
