Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
