weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
