Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
