I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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