its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
