I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
