Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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