ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
3pm strippers are depressing
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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