Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
