I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I touched a dick in church today
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize