guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
