kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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