I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
